Tolu picked up her phone again and typed the words to google, searching for the latest video to satisfy the strong urge she’s having within. She was surprised at herself whilst typing the words “Porn videos”, yet she could not stop. Unhappy and frustrated she was, tired she had become, yet she couldn’t help it.
Deep within, she knew it was bad, she knew it was a SIN, yet it seemed her body wasn’t ready to respond to the desires of her spirit. Finally, the videos popped up, and she masturbated herself to sleep.
Waking up few hours later, realisation set in. The kind that always set in, feeling drained, ashamed and like a hypocrite. She did it again. Yes, again. After making a million promise not to ever do that. After the several confessions and heart breaking tears, after all the self blames and guilt, after all the resolution and resolvement. Here she’s again, back to her usual trenches, her vomit.
Her heart sank deep, her eyes got teary, her lips, trembling. She wanted saying “Forgive me lord”, but the words got strucked in her throat. She could not bare the shame of asking for forgiveness again. She remembered how she said same words yesterday night, crying and pleading for a second chance. She remembered how she prayed fervently telling God to kill her if she does it again. It’s barely 24hours, she has fallen again. Back to the same old spot.
So, how could she approach this God again? What could she say, and how is she going to apologize again? What breaks her most is how she keeps hurting the one she claims she loves the most. Of a truth, Tolu loves God with her life, but for some unexplainable reasons, she just couldn’t know why she keeps falling over and again to the dungeon of masturbation and pornography. Each time she falls, she feel as though her heart is tearing from her body, she feels like the most worthless and sinful human on earth. The pain within is never a good experience to wish for.
She wish to really break forth, she wish to be delivered, she wish to serve God in totality, yet this embargo has pose a threat to her relationship with God. Laying that night on her bed, she cried herself to sleep. Of a truth, she had tried. She had done her best, yet her best never seem enough.
Waking up the next day, she picked up her phone and like a robot, type the words again. She watched it again before stepping out of her room. Why could she? Just yesterdays night, she was remorseful, but here again, starting her day with the same videos. What an irony!
That evening when she camed back, she resolved within her to sort this matter once and for all with ABBA. Kneeling down, the accuser came again.
“Tolu, Mercy is not for people like you. God Is too busy for worthless stinky sinners like you. You have been doing this over and over again, claiming you’ll repent, have you? Come on! Just forget about this God thing, it’s not for you.”
This were the words of Satan to her. Her stomach sank in. Tears started gushing again. She really felt dirty, hopeless and lost. She remembered how much she has really disappointed this God. The tons of promises she had broken, the atrocities she had committed, and all the dark secrets that no one knows about. I really don’t deserve God. Actually, He’s right, mercy is not for someone like me. She said.
Just when she was about to stand up, she heard His voice. “I love you, Child. And I want you back home”. She was shocked. She was bewildered. Is it for the fact that He still considered her worthy to speak to her? Or for the fact that he said, I LOVE YOU. Even in her most dirty state? Oh no! Which was more surprising she can’t tell.
“Tolu, I really can help if you let me in. I know how hard you’ve struggled. I know the pains that this has caused you. I know how much you hurt yourself, inflicting injury on your yourself each time you fall. I see the pain and guilt in your eyes. I see your heartcry and desire. I have come to help you.
But first, I need you to know that, you can’t win this battle with physical measures. You can’t conquer addictions only by preventive measures. They are good, but not sufficient. They can give you temporal results, but never a permanent victory. I want you to know that you can overcome addictions in me. Each time you fall, don’t be afraid to come. Yes, come, come as you’re. Come with the stench. Come without makeup. I want you to come rest on my shoulder each time you fall. No matter how badly the fall is, dwell in me. Tolu, it’s possible to be free. Yes, totally free.”
She had been listening attentively, but the last words struck her heart. So it’s possible for her to be totally free from this bondage? She never thought of it, imagined, nor believed it. Not until now.
ABBAAAAAA, why do you love me this much? Whyyyyyy??? She cried out.
Can I hate myself? He asked her.
No! She blurted out.
I can’t hate you. He said, smiling.
Christianity 
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